note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize