I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is Oprah even human
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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