the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i believe in u and ur pee
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
