Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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