I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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