The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
