Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
