I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize