Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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