He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
