he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
