i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
3pm strippers are depressing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
