I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
