You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
