I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
