i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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