My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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