so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
