And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
