so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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