Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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