I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
