just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
