onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
