Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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