Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Green mimosas i think yes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
