He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
