I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
