My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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