Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
