8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
