I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
