we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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