you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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