I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
