I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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