i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
