Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
