Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
