mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
