If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
