She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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