Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
