I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
