If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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