Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
