I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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