when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
