the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
