I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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