her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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