Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
