bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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