I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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