Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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