So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
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