Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
