YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
