Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
