I need to stop coming to work sober
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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