I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
